deep down (i knew you were mine)
by DobbyRocksSocks
Summary: Soulmate!au. Sirius held out his wrist for Remus to see. "It's gone. There's just... nothing left."


**Disclaimer - I own nothing you recognise. **

_Written for Assignment 1 - Muggle Music 3. Asking someone to dance. _

**Other challenges listed at the bottom.**

**Word Count **\- 2888

_Beta'd by Amber _

_Written for Elizabeth, for the Drabble Game - Wolfstar/Soulmate!au - hopefully this will make up for the last one :P _

* * *

**deep down (i knew you were mine)**

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Sirius hid his soulmark from the moment it arrived on his wrist. He wasn't the only one walking the corridors of Hogwarts with a black band tight around his wrist, but it was unusual enough that people stared.

He ignored them. Honestly, he was used to people staring at him, though admittedly it was usually for more flattering reasons.

Sirius knew that everyone expected him to flaunt his soulmark. They expected him to search for the person that fate decided would complete him. He was known as a flirt, as a player even, so it made sense that he'd be making his way through the of age student population searching for his 'one'.

If it was his choice, he would.

But he knew that it wouldn't be allowed. His mother would kill him before she allowed him to follow his heart, and although Sirius planned to leave his family as soon as he was able, there wasn't much he could do before he finished Hogwarts.

That meant one more summer at Grimmauld Place, and he wasn't naive enough to believe that his mother wouldn't have anything to say about his soulmark before then. That was why he kept it covered, not even letting his friends see it.

He'd hate to actually meet his soulmate, only for them to be left bitterly disappointed when he couldn't pursue anything with them.

He wasn't that selfish.

…

Remus had always been told that he wouldn't get a soulmark. He was a _monster, _soulless, and there was no such thing as a perfect match for someone like him.

He tried to ignore it, and when people in his year began getting their own soulmarks, he tried to ignore them too, because it hurt that he'd never feel that level of excitement. It hurt that he wouldn't be able to anticipate meeting his 'one'.

"Double date, Remus? Lily said Mary likes you so—"

Remus shook his head, smiling faintly at James. "I've told you, I don't date. I won't inflict myself on someone like that."

"But—"

"No, James."

It was one of the few things that his friends would push him on, and he appreciated their faith in him, even if he didn't feel the same way they did. It was nice that they _didn't _think of him as soulless, or a monster.

If only the rest of the world felt the same.

That was why, when Remus woke to a burning sensation in his wrist on his seventeenth birthday, he was so utterly shocked.

A mark. He had a mark. Stars appeared on his wrist one by one, and Remus' eyes widened when he realised that they sort of resembled the outline of a wolf.

Before the other boys in his dorm woke, Remus pulled on a navy cardigan that had slightly longer sleeves. He wasn't sure how he was going to hide his mark without being obvious, but he knew he couldn't show anyone.

He had a somewhat morbid curiosity about the person who shared his mark, but he knew that having the mark on his wrist wasn't enough to change his mind. He wouldn't inflict himself on anyone else, even if they _were _made for him. Maybe _especially _if they were made for him.

He wasn't that selfish.

…

The train ride home brought a sense of impending doom to Sirius. He felt sick, and while he tried to enjoy his last few hours with his friends, he couldn't bring himself to have fun the way he usually did.

By the time they arrived at Platform Nine and Three Quarters, Sirius thought he was going to pass out. He'd never enjoyed going home but this was something else entirely.

He was actually _scared. _

Even Regulus looked at him with concern, which told Sirius exactly how bad he must look. When he caught sight of his mother in the crowd, he saw that she'd seen him first, and already had a malicious glee in her eyes.

Sirius swallowed hard and waved goodbye to his friends as Regulus fell into step beside him. From the corner of his eye, he saw Regulus open and close his mouth a couple of times, as though he wanted to say something but couldn't.

"I'm fine," Sirius told him quietly. "I'm fine."

Regulus looked at him, and eventually, he said, "Whatever happens, just… try and keep your temper, Sirius. You know how mum can be when she's angry."

He felt a wave of affection for his brother, but looking back at his mother, the nausea once more became prevalent.

This wasn't going to be pretty.

…

"You've been quiet since you got home, Sweetheart," Hope said, straightening Remus' bed as she looked at him in concern. "Are you okay?"

Remus nodded and then glanced at his wrist. She followed his gaze and after a moment, seemed to understand as her face lit up with a smile.

"You got a mark?"

He nodded again, still mute though he itched to show her. She sat down beside him, and held out her hands for his arm. He knew he could tell her he didn't want to share and she'd let him be, but he'd kept it secret for so long that he just _needed _someone else to see it.

Even if it was just to confirm that it was there, and not just a figment of wishful thinking. Slowly, he moved his arm into her grip and let her slide his sleeve up.

"Oh, my son. It's beautiful."

Remus felt his cheeks heat up at the compliment, and a wave of relief that it was real.

He had a _soulmate_.

…

"Sirius?"

James opened the door wider to let his best friend into the house. He looked Sirius over and was horrified by what he found. Tearstreaks stained his face, blood soaked into his white t'shirt, and his eyes looked dead.

"Sirius, what happened?"

Sirius let out a humourless chuckle. "My mother happened."

James closed the door, and led Sirius into the kitchen, where his mother and father were enjoying a quiet supper.

"Sirius? Oh, darling, what happened to you?" Euphemia asked, abandoning her supper immediately to approach him. "Come on, sweetheart, take your jacket off. Let me see the damage."

Sirius silently did as she asked, his vision swimming with unshed tears. He saw the moment it dawned on her exactly what his mother had done to him. She gasped, her hand covering her mouth as she held his wrist in a delicate grip.

"Who did this to you?"

Sirius swallowed hard and shook his head. The tears fell regardless, and he swiped them away angrily with his free hand.

"Your… your mum _burned _off your soulmate mark?" James asked, horrified, leaning slightly over Sirius' shoulder. "_Why?" _

"Blacks marry who they're supposed to marry, regardless of fate or destiny," Sirius parroted bitterly, still wiping away his tears. "She told me I was forbidden from being with my soulmate, and I… I told her that I was going to find my soulmate and fuck the family name—sorry, Mrs Potter."

"That's quite alright, dear," she replied, as she let go of his wrist. "You just hold that steady, and I'll treat it as best I can."

Sirius nodded and then shrugged when James squeezed his other hand. "I guess she was over me being rebellious."

"But that's torture!" James exclaimed, angry on behalf of his best friend. "I don't… understand. I don't understand how someone could do that; and to their own son! It's sick!"

"You're not wrong, Son," Fleamont agreed, and he reached out to squeeze Sirius' shoulder. "Don't you worry, Sirius. You'll stay here with us for the summer, and we'll help you in any way we can."

Swallowing against a fresh wave of emotion, though different, Sirius managed to choke out his gratitude.

…

It was good to be back at Hogwarts. Remus had been practically bouncing with excess energy as he waited for his friends to join him on the train. While they'd all exchanged letters, it wasn't the same as being able to _talk _to them.

His mum had taught him a spell to hide his soulmate mark, since normal spells didn't work on it. It was a special kind of magic, one that most people didn't bother to learn since almost everybody _wanted _to find their soulmates.

He was grateful for it even more so given they were having an unseasonably warm September, and along with James, Sirius and Peter, he'd spent much of the month on the grounds, his robes discarded into a pile, his arms out for the sun to gently colour.

Remus couldn't help but notice the difference in Sirius. He was quieter than he'd ever been before, more introverted. Remus didn't like it. He knew that something had happened with Sirius' mother over the summer, but Sirius hadn't wanted to discuss it, and James had looked close to vomiting just at the thought of it so Remus had left it well alone.

He wished he knew how to help Sirius though. Him being so quiet was like the sun burning blue, or the grass turning pink.

It was unnatural.

…

He was so glad to be back at Hogwarts. As much as Sirius appreciated Mr and Mrs Potter's support over the summer, it was nice to be back at the first place he'd thought of as _home. _

Being in the Potter's house had been hard. Sirius had spent much of the almost two months trying to hide his jealousy from his best friend. He'd give anything to have parents to love and coddle him the way James' did.

Being back at Hogwarts also meant that he was back with Remus. Sirius had always had a crush on Remus, but he'd been so stuck on never dating anyone, that Sirius hadn't pushed.

Now though… Sirius didn't have a soulmark anymore either. In Sirius' opinion, that invalidated Remus' main argument against dating.

"James," he said, looking over at his best friend. It was just the two of them on the Quidditch Pitch, having not long since finished practice.

"Hmm?"

"I'm gonna date Moony."

"Sirius… he's already decided—"

"I understand that Remus has made a decision," Sirius agreed, interrupting James. "But given that it's a stupid ass decision, I've elected to ignore it."

James snorted. "Fair enough. You know he's not like the usual people you date, right? Flashy shit won't work with him."

"I know that," Sirius muttered. "That's why you're gonna help me."

…

It took Remus weeks to realise that Sirius was paying him more attention. Perhaps it was because when Sirius had courted people before, he'd always been loud and upfront with his intentions, whereas with Remus, he'd been shy smiles and brushing knees, always close.

Remus felt like an idiot when James finally clued him into what was going on, apparently bored with Sirius' whining that it wasn't working.

"Sirius, can we talk?" he asked, nodding towards the dorm.

Sirius nodded. "Sure, Moony."

They walked up the stairs together, Sirius just a step behind Remus, and when they got to their dorm, Remus tugged Sirius to sit on Remus' bed, facing one another.

"So… I feel like you need to know that I'm flattered," Remus started carefully. "But you know I don't date, Sirius. It's not fair to anyone. When you find your soulmate—"

"Is that you're only objection?" Sirius interrupted, his eyes wide with hope.

Remus nodded. "Of course it is. I like you, Sirius, you're one of my best friends, and if I was going to date anyone—"

Sirius interrupted again, this time by pulling his sleeve up and pointing his wrist at Remus. "It's gone, Remus. I don't have a soulmark anymore."

Remus blinked and looked down at Sirius' wrist. Where his soulmate mark should be, a still healing burn sat instead. "Sirius… what happened?"

"My mother happened," Sirius replied flatly. "I just… there's just… nothing left. So… maybe you could make an exception? For me, I mean. Since—"

Remus swallowed hard and nodded, his mind on the mark on his own wrist. He wasn't planning on ever pursuing that mark, so maybe… maybe he could really build something.

With Sirius.

…

Remus had insisted he take care of their first date.

"Wear the jumper, jackass," James said, throwing the a jumper Sirius had just discarded at him. He'd been getting ready for over an hour, and he knew James was probably done with his dramatics.

"He didn't tell me what we're doing! I might not need it!"

"You'll need it," James replied. "Like I've told you five times already. Trust me."

Sirius huffed but pulled the jumper on. "You know I can just cast a warming charm. I don't actually—"

"I will put a sticking charm on it if you try and take it off again," James muttered, rolling his eyes. "Seriously, Remus likes that jumper, Sirius. Wear the thing."

"Do you know what we're doing?" Sirius demanded.

"Of course I do," James replied flatly. "Which is why I'm telling you to wear the damn jumper."

Sirius stared at him for a long moment, and then turned to the mirror.

"I think I'll wear this jumper. It looks pretty good, right?"

…

Remus was nervous, but as he laid the turmeric and red coloured picnic blanket down under the tree the Marauders had always favoured, he saw Sirius smile at him from the side and his nerves seemed to fade away in an instant.

Truly, this wasn't like a first date. They'd been friends, best friends, for years. This was just… that but more.

He gestured for Sirius to sit down, and then sat down beside him, pulling the picnic basket he'd had the house elves fill with delicious food closer. From it, he pulled a flask of hot chocolate, and a plate filled with Sirius' favourite cookies, followed by a chocolate covered fruit bowl, and marshmallows.

"This is awesome," Sirius murmured, immediately reaching for a cookie. "Only you would bring me to a chocolate picnic in November."

Remus chuckled. They settled in, the chatter as easy as it had always been. Sirius leant against Remus' side, and as the sun set, they got closer until Sirius was pressed against him from shoulder to knee.

It was perfect. Something about it just felt… right.

"Dance with me," Sirius requested, seemingly out of nowhere.

"Hmm?"

Pushing himself to his feet, Sirius held his hand out for Remus, and pulled his wand out with the other. A few seconds later, music filled the air, and Sirius smiled down at him.

"Dance with me in the moonlight, Remus."

Lips tilting up in a smile, even as he felt his cheeks heat slightly in a blush, Remus took Sirius hand and let him tug him to his feet.

They swayed to the music, and Sirius sighed happily against Remus' shoulder. "This is perfect."

Remus nodded, and feeling confident, pressed a kiss to Sirius' cheek. "It really is."

…

Walking back into the castle, hand in hand with Remus and feeling giddy with the success of their first date, Sirius was surprised to see Regulus waiting just inside the entrance hall.

"Sirius—"

"Can't you see that I'm busy, Reg?" Sirius snapped, turning his head away from his little brother. He'd just had the best first date of his life, and he was still bitter that Regulus hadn't left with him in the summer, even when he'd begged him to go with him. He hadn't wanted to leave Regulus behind.

"Sirius—"

"Go away!"

"This is why Mother doesn't fucking love you!" Regulus burst out, throwing his hands in the air. "Even though you know you could come back and be a part of the family, you won't because of him!"

Sirius blinked, frowning, and looked back at Regulus. "What the hell are you going on about? I wasn't even with Remus until after our _mother _did what she did!"

"You turned your back on us for your _soulmate," _Regulus sneered. "She knew you would, that's why she got rid of it! When I told her—"

He cut himself off suddenly, paling.

Sirius' glare sharpened. "When you told her _what, _Regulus?"

"That you and Lupin were soulmates," Regulus said quietly. "I told her, and she knew she had to get rid of the mark, so you wouldn't find out."

"Remus isn't even marked!"

"Of course he is!" Regulus snapped. "Everyone gets a mark, Sirius!"

Sirius looked back at Remus, who was studiously looking at the wall, and then back to Regulus. Slowly he put the pieces together, and his heart sank.

"You can see bonds," he accused softly, his eyes back on his little brother. "You… Remus and I?"

Regulus looked away. "I can't believe you would leave us for him."

"I didn't," Sirius whispered. "I left because mother burnt off my soulmark. But… I would have. If I'd known."

Eyes only for Remus, Sirius stepped forwards. "Moony?"

Remus swallowed hard and slowly lifted his cardigan sleeve. He cast a whispered spell, and slowly, his soulmark came into view. Sirius stared at it hungrily for a moment before he looked up to meet Remus' eyes.

"You've got my mark."

"I didn't see yours," he reminded Sirius gently. "But I think I already knew that. Deep down."

"Yeah?"

Remus smiled. "Yeah."

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**Written for: **

Romance Awareness, Day 1 - Matching Soulmarks.

Romance Awareness, Extra Prompt - 31. Jealousy.

Assorted Appreciation - 11. Sebastian - Rebellious / Jealous / Sirius Black

Disney - C2. An oldest sibling

Trope - 15. Soulmates

Space - 17 .Torture

Book Club - Humphrey Dumpty - Anger / Coddle / Cookie

Showtime - 13. Crying

Amber's Attic - 1. "This is why mum doesn't fucking love you!"

Press Play - 1. Best friends

Liza Loves - 1. A burn

Angel's Archive - AU1. Soulmates

Scamander's Case - 7. "There's just… nothing left."

Bex's Basement - 17. Summer

Film Festival - 15. Vision

Marvel - 7. "I understand that [Name] has made a decision, but given that it's a stupid ass decision, I've elected to ignore it."

Galleon - 6. Dancing

House Unity - Slytherin vs Hufflepuff — (S) Forbidden / (H) Marauders

Days of the Year - 22. Teddy Bear Picnic Day - Someone going on a picnic

Summer - 12. Picnic Blanket

Colour - 4. Turmeric

Mix It Up - 2. Remus Lupin / Soulmate!au

Gryffindor - 4. Remus Lupin

365\. 202. Morbid


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